The 5E2 PAR SROWND

In Fifth Form Karl Chamberlain, continued writing under the nom de plume Karlos Chilblaine. Following the success of The 3A Advertiser, the 5E2 PAR SROWND moved to a new level of production being typewritten on a machine found at the Curtin rubbish tip.

Richard Elliott has Volume 1 Numbers 2, 3 and 4 of the 5E2 PAR SROWND which he has digitally scanned. Here are some excerpts, with text reproduced as it appeared. Keep watching this page as new excerpts will be added periodically.

HARDEGG RUNS BERSERK
Room 14, Monday, Period 6, (CPC) NEWS.

Well-known bully, and pressure-group leader, affectionately referred to as Hardegg, went completely out of his mind during Chemistry today.

It all started when the stupid creature got hold of last week’s issue of THE 5E2 PAR SROWND. Hardegg’s first act of insanity was to read the paper, quite openly, before the roving eyes of the teacher, Mr Baloney. Seeing that the teacher was displaying some interest, stupid Hardegg ran down to Mr Baloney’s desk, paper in hand, and handed it to the teacher, who was by this stage highly interested. Mr Baloney took the paper from Hardegg without protest, and commenced a reading which lasted for about 10 minutes. The paper was then returned without comment.

Hardegg’s motives for this atrocious behaviour are not fully known. Possibly he wanted revenge after reading an article about himself.

MARTIN'S COLUMN COLUMN

Social Outlook

Ajax McFearsome informed the parents of senior students that no more socials would be held, at the last P&C meeting. Now students are compelled to attend poorly policed dances attended by undesirables.

Why Ajax should choose to increase Canberra’s crime and delinquency rates we cannot tell. Has he been defeated by teenagers, or has he given up hope of helping us? Perhaps the social committee’s request for a liquor-licence for the next social was the misguided figure-head’s turning point. Obviously he is now anti-teen, so anti-teen in fact that he is depriving us of all pleasure and emotional outlets. Is it any wonder, hat 72.1% of senior school girls have "Normie" tattooed on them; 14.9% have "Charles" tattooed on them; and the remaining 13% "LBJ". How appalled these girls’ parents would be if they knew of their daughters’ superficial engravings!

POP ARTIST IN 5E2!

Folks, there is real talent hidden amongst us! Would you believe that someone in 5E2 actually spends his spare time drawing weird objects of art (see illustration). Surely, anyone with this kind of talent will go a long way. The objects appear to be a figment of the artist’s imagination. I certainly know I have never seen one!

We at (CPC) actually know the identity of this talented individual, but we are with-holding it for obvious reasons.

If you can correctly guess his name, you will win, completely free of charge (neutral) as page of the artist’s doodlings. Who knows? In thirty years they could be worth thousands of dollars!

ALFIE — "TOO HAPPY"”
Room 16. Monday, Period 2, (CPC) NEWS.

Much loved English teacher, and professional reader of poetry, Mrs Cruise, today described that brainey brute known as Alfie, as "too happy".

She made this learned statement after having observed Alfie’s behaviour for several minutes. "Turn round and make yourself look respectable", she hastened to add. When a (CPC) reporter glanced in Alfie’s direction, only seconds before the incident he was prancing around like a monkey in a zoo. He was generally acting as though he had had one too many.

After the teacher’s remark, however, Alfie became a little more like his old self again.

LAST RESORT a new (CPC) feature

Dear Guru Brahmin,
      My two favourite girls keep trying to persuade me to wear shorts and long socks to school, but I am too ashamed to, as I have "Mother" tattooed on my knee. I have tried washing it off, covering it with magic tan, even applying knee make-up, but to no avail. Please help me, as I love these girls too much to disappoint them.
      Kneedy Knees.

Dear Kneedy Knees,
      I feel that the problem of your knees is not nearly as difficult as that of your being in love with two girls at the same time. Don’t worry, love will show the way!

Dear Guru Brahmin,
      My problem is our cat, Noddy. Once we were on quite amicable terms and would hold long interesting conversations. However, about two weeks ago I accidentally slammed the door on Noddy’s tail, and since then my dear friend has snubbed me. I am so unhappy. How can I make Noddy talk with me again?
      Unhappy.

Dear Unhappy,
      I would advise you to buy a horse to arouse his jealousy. Try Mr Ed!

Dear Guru Brahmin,
      At the moment there’s a whole lot of new blokes working on the new building. There’s one gorgeous one who mostly wears a new singlet, aulatte shorts, and army boots, and who shews tobacco and has ankers, mermaids, and hearts tattooed up his arms. At first I didn’t think seriously about him but now I’ve really fallen for him. I’ve tried hitching up me chewnie and flirting with his mates but he still hasn’t notised me. I’ve faund out his name’s Kev and he drives a hotted-up purple and red F.J. Holden and comes from the Causeway. Do you reckon he’s worth trying for? The bilding’s nearly finished and then he’ll be gone, so what can I do to make him notice me?
      Shirley, 2G.

Dear Shirley,
      Try having a tattoo made on your leg with "Kev" in a heart.

Dear Guru Brahmin,
      Every afternoon when I walk home from school, I pass a dear little old man, with very bad skin and a wart on the end of his nose. I have fallen madly in love with him, and would love to go out with him. However, I haven’t the courage to even say "Hello" to him. I am 14. What shall I do?
      Worried.

Dear Worried,
      Wait till Hallowe’en, dress up as a witch and see what happens.

Dear Guru,
      I am desperate. I have killed my mother, father, twin brothers and infant sister, am having an affair with the rector of the parish church, have stolen the collection plate from St Luke’s, my name on a toilet door, and consider myself one of the "undesirable element". What can I do?
      Desperate.

Dear Desperate,
      Repent, for thou hast sinned!

Dear Guru Brahmin,
      I’m Jake the peg didle-idle-idle-um, with the extra leg, didle-idle-idle-um. Where-ever I go through rain and snow the people always let me know, "there’s Jake the peg, didle-idle-idle-um, with the extra leg!"
      What should I do?

Dear Jake the peg,
      Watch DR WHO, then you won’t feel such a freak.

Dear Guru,
      Two weeks ago last Thursday, I (M) went to a dance with a boy who I will call "X". I had hardly walked through the door when I saw my ex-boyfriend Y with my girlfriend B. Now, B used to go with A before she met X, and didn’t say she was going with Y. W walked across the floor with R and Q tagging behind. 16 weeks and three days previously, P had smiled at me while I was dancing with A’s second cousin twice removed, I. I must explain that I am in love with none of these, but would like to know whom you consider would be my best match.
      Alphabet Soup.

Dear Alphabet Soup,
      Y=MX+B

EDITOR’S QUESTION Where are all these people going anyway?

NOTE In the above feature we relaxed our policy of correcting grammar and spelling a little. We thought that by so doing, the human-interest value of the letters would be more apparent.

The following titles have been scanned from the original papers and converted to PDF format. You can view these files online or download them and read or print them offline.

Chilblaine attacked by 10 year-old hoods
Mr Cost accuses Elliott of laziness
Fifth Form boys told off
Alexander sent to corner
Is Rodney Cooper a nut?
Alexander wins Jewels

PDF files require Adobe Acrobat Reader to view them. If you do not have this software you may freely download it by clicking on the icon link to the left.